I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve longed to update this blog on our family and on how our new addition, Zoe, is adjusting. I always say that it takes me about a year after the birth of a new baby to find my way back to normal and the “birth” of Zoe into our family is no exception!
Oh, I’ve made attempts. Here is one from July about growing up all over again, six months after Zoe’s adoption:
Even though the first years of Zoe’s life were spent in an environment in a place where she received food and a decent amount of acknowledgement, I don’t think anyone would argue that she had actually been “raised” anywhere.
It’s hard to figure out how and when to discipline her and when to issue her a check of grace. We do both. Sometimes she throws fits (like if we take away a screwdriver, for example) and if we ignore her (letting her stay in the same room with us), she will immediately stop after 1 minute and walk away as if nothing happened and start playing. Typical. Sometimes she will hit or throw something when she is obviously frustrated by lack of communication, i.e. when she obviously wants someone to put her down or stop offering her the same thing or stop hugging on her, etc, but they keep on. Usually, it’s merited. In those situations, we are more understanding. But knowing what to do and when is…..well, it’s exactly like learning to parent any child because each child is unique and different. Each one of our children has a different way of communicating their thoughts and feelings and we are working hard to learn Zoe’s. She has a big range of emotions and we don’t understand which is on display at what time yet. It’s hard to explain….but sometimes I imagine she feels lost because she is expecting that something that used to happen in her orphanage will happen here….at least that’s what I imagine. She is transitioning into a realization that what used to bring attention doesn’t and what does bring attention are the simple acts of kindness that had gone unnoticed.
I remember those days well! The lack of verbal communication, the feelings of wishing we could be more bonded and feeling like a first time parent all over again. Zoe and I have both grown so much since just six months ago!
The colder temperatures these days in Indiana have brought to mind those last days in Kiev before flying home. Zoe and I were freezing our tails off in a very nice apartment and I imagine now how afraid she must’ve felt then. She clung to me and had to be able to see me the entire time. I understand now. I was the most familiar thing she knew and if she couldn’t see me, then by her understanding she was in danger. And I would’ve felt the same way.
The Zoe that Zoe is now is so much like the Zoe I imagined over a year ago when we were fundraising off of a photo and the call of God in our lives. We could just tell she was a firecracker and a smarty-pants and an absolute sweetie with a ton of personality. She has grown into the big girl (more or less) that we knew she was on the inside from the moment we saw her. In short, she has really bloomed! She has rooted deeply in the fertile soil of family love and spread out those beautiful and unique petals.
We’ve spent the last year getting to know each other and even as I write this, just thinking of Zoe makes me smile. She’s endlessly silly and always trying to play games with us. Her language development has come so far and she has no problem telling us what she needs (and in no uncertain terms!). She loves to dance and always, always understands much, much more than she can speak or than we know. I can’t stop getting over all that she understands. And she does not like to be treated like a baby, by they way. What self-respecting 5-year-old girl would?
Zoe LOVES the dog.
Zoe is completely adorable and has stolen our hearts, but by no means do I want to romanticize adoption. For months I honestly felt like a first-time mom all over again. We tried some holding therapy in the beginning to help with bonding only to find out that holding therapy is sometimes held in high disapproval. Still, it worked for us for a while and then Zoe seemed to bond best through play. I learned that my expectations of her upon bringing her home were way too high and I have seen fit to lower expectations all around – even of myself. I have been so frustrated at times by being pushed away when my desire was to be so embraced by my daughter and so I’ve learned some patience. Some things just take time. And we have time. And then there’s the “no” word that Zoe like a toddler fell in love with. “No, no, no,” to everything all day long gets a little exhausting as any mom can tell you. But, as the vocabulary, clarity of speech and, most importantly, confidence started growing, the no’s started fading and are still on the fade. We started going to a bonding therapist this fall who is ecstatic about how wonderful Zoe’s doing. I don’t know all there is to know about bonding, but I know that God is faithful and amazing. What He calls you to, He will see through!
Hear this: If we had to do it over again – shock our families, raise funds, fly over the ocean, bring a child home, struggle with bonding and letting go, experience not knowing what in the world to do and end up where we are today – we would do it a million times over. Yes, yes, YES! Whatever challenges have come our way have been worth facing for both the growth and joy that it’s brought into our lives. When I see Zoe with her siblings (who adore her) day-by-day becoming more trusting of them – and when I see how happy they are all four together – and when I hear Zoe pray and thank God for everyone in our family by name – and when she comes to me with an injury – and when she stomps in so proud from preschool and rattles on about parts of her day – and when she squeals my name when I come in the door from grocery shopping – and when she dances around the kitchen shakin’ her tail feathers like madness – and when she sings songs to her baby dolls – and when she giggles in her mighty way – and when, and when and when it all boils down, we are beyond grateful for such a beautiful gift.
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Here is a bit of an update from October:
As I walked Zoe into her first day of preschool this week, it occurred to me how very far we’ve come. Not just distance-wise from Ukraine though 5,000 miles is a huge way.
I remember when we first brought her home and she couldn’t yet say two-syllable words. “Say Mama,” I would tell her. “Ma!,” she said back. “Maaa-mmaaa,” I would say. “Ma!,” and nothing more could she repeat. I remember the first time she said “Papa” in talking about Marc’s dad, her grandpa. “She said Papa!!,” I exclaimed knowing that it would’ve been no great feat in other circumstances for a 4-year-old girl to say two identical syllables of sound together.
The first day that Zoe went to preschool, I walked her to her classroom, helped her hang up her backpack, said good-bye through teary eyes and then went to my car to sob just like I did the first day I dropped Nash and Hattie off at school.
Currently, we’re working on verbalizing emotions and desires, something I think every person in the world could benefit from practicing. I like that Zoe has a voice, strength and a sense of self – things she didn’t have before. When we look into the coming year and years to come, we only imagine her blooming more fully. Yet it’s not because of what we have done but because of the immensity and intensity of our Father’s love for us. Anyone who opens their heart to the thought of adoption can be tugged, pulled and led on a tremendous and joy-filled journey of growth, acceptance, change and lovelovelove.
Happy One Year, Zoe!
Watch these videos to see the difference a year can make! Here is one of Zoe before we even met her. And here is one of her this Halloween as a beautiful butterfly – how appropriate!
To read our travel and adoption blog from last year, go to http://marcimboden.com/amysblog/ or email me at amyimboden@gmail.com and I’ll get you a hard copy!
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